| happy birthday to me..... |
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| I am the sleepiest girl....
busy busy busy
no time for naptime.
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| Oh forget it.
Can't I just go to sleep? |
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| To buy or not to buy....that is the question?? What do you guys think of Anna the Small Business Owner??
Ok... now that you're through laughing, what do you think?
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| Alright, I'm going to try to level with you guys. Things have
been rough lately. However, as a result I really feel like i've
learned a lot. First of all, to any of you who have myspace and
haven't noticed, i deleted my account. Why you ask? Well
for a few reasons, but mostly one that has nothing at all to do with
anything you would guess. It's not about the drama or the hatred
people seem to think is born of myspace. I wouldn't blame myspace
for that at all. It's more likely the people involved, myself
included... moving on....
I've been going home a lot lately, I'm not sure if that's helping or
hindering in a lot of ways but it does feel necessary. The two
hour drive that I often spend with myself and the radio seems to prove
helpful.
Alright the point? Well I've been weird lately. I've been
angry and sad and hurt and I've been taking it out on the wrong
people. Truthfully, I shouldn't be taking it out on anyone and
I'm trying not to. If you're reading this and you feel like you
have been a victim of my irrational mood swings and unfair accusations,
you haven't gotten the brunt of it. The worst has been going to
people much much closer to me. Anyway, sorry about that.
It's a constant journey, and throughout a series of "realizations"
and...we'll call them "epiphanies" I have come to a few
conclusions. Awhile back I realized that it wasn't justified to
be hurt by the things people do "to you" b/c it's generally really not
about you at all. Recently, I decided that even the things that
ARE about me...really aren't. I'm not here to tally up my
mistakes or my good deeds. I'm not here please everyone or to
establish a reputation. Honestly, I don't know what I'm here for,
but it doesn't have anything to do with me or you, so i'm trying to
listen.
I'm trying to listen because I keep getting angry with people and I don't like being angry.
I'm trying to listen because I've had a great deal of trouble finding peace lately.
I'm trying to listen because I'm never going to get anywhere relying strictly on my own judgement calls.
Now here's the kicker, something contrary to what I've thought my entire life:
I've spent my past nearly 20 years being fundamentally dissatisfied
with my life. Not that it was bad, I just never thought of where
I was in my life as where I was. I thought of it more as "where i
am for the time being while I try to get where I'm going."
I never even realized that i was doing this, or that there could be a
problem with it.... I think I might have just called it ambition.
Unfortunately, I've missed out on a lot of nows. I've
forgotten to notice a lot or heres. I've been largely
underappreciative of anything which has ended or will end soon because
i've let myself believe that it wouldn't matter once i get to this
elusive "where I'm going" i keep waiting for. As a result it has
been hard for me to be really happy or take my relationships with other
people very seriously. I tended to look at them as "passing
ships" as well. Anyway, the really great thing about realizing
this, or more, being told after a lot of prayer, is that now i can try
to fix it.
Anyway... this has been a rather self-indulgent blog and while i know a
lot of you will be surprised by this, I'm tired of talking about
myself.
bye guys ~
love.
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